Illusions

what do you do when the illusion you call your life desolves?i want to scream, cry, pout, and tear up somethings, but then i look at my kids and know all that will only scare them. i look at my soon to be ex boyfriend and wonder why could we make it work? was it me was it him well a lot of it was him and that chick he fuck on the side. i don't think i ever forgive him for that. but it's only been a couple of months since i found out, but he hasn't done anything to makeup for he never even said he was sorry. oh he said he was sorry i found out the way i did but he never said he was sorry for didn't it.now he wants to step back from the relationship and i'm crushed i truly love that man, and i'm still in love with him. so this really hurts like hell.

i wear this set of rings on my ring finger as my show of my commitment to my relationship because he would never marry me. i have waited for 14years for he to make it official but he never did. all i get a week before our anniversary is "i think we need to step back" . what kind of crap is that? i keep looking at my rings wonder when do i take them off or if i should. their my kids birthstones so i'm going so keep wear them.i for the life of me don't know what to do about him, he still want to act like things are fine and we didn't have a conversation about breaking up he still wants to have sex ever time he turns around like its ok to said "hey i don't want to be in a relationship anymore, can you play with my dick?" i mean who says that!?!?!?! and stupid me i play with it. what the hell am i doing? i'm so confused.i don't want to take the big girl pill and let go, but i need too. God give me strength to do what i must do.