New Journey

   As of August 10, 2013 I started the journey to live in Phoenix AZ. WOW didn't really think I would leave Chicago until the kids where grown, but the school system in Chicago has failed dragging my kids with it. As we watch the system implode the kids where in AZ for the summer already, and we ( J and I) talked and talked and when back and forth about when and if the kids should stay in AZ or come back home and then me and the kids would move down in the winter. I thought we would do the move in  the winter cause by then I figured I would have saved up the enough money to set up house and live  on until i got a job down here.Well it didn't happen like that.

    J decided that the move should happen sooner rather then later, so that the kids wouldn't be flip flop and starting school down here late and the schools in Chicago wasn't going to get better any time soon.

So I  took a leave of absent to pull down all of my vacation and sick time that I hardly ever used, and packed the truck to the roof and had containers hanging off the back and headed West, my new frontier. J drove the whole way here do to the weight of the truck and steering issue that was going on. It took two and half days to get here from Chicago.the interesting stops in between. The best was a little gas station/eatery(don't think it qualified as a restaurant) in Texas damn that food was good, and coming over the mountains into Phoenix and the worst was the drive through New Mexico, there is nothing to see or stop until Albuquerque. you don't even get cell service.

    While now I'm here living with my mother for the time being and getting on my dear sister's nerves, it's being two weeks and I'm currently in limbo. I have always worked only taking a week off here or there and now I have to wait on my license to be endorse from IL to AZ. Had a little mishap with that now I have to wait,(lesson learn read every thoroughly before proceeding).Hopefully it'll come next week and I can job and hunt. In need of my own place.  

     This whole distance family living isn't new to us just that J is usually the one the moves away and we stay home now it's the opposite and we're more than a little uncomfortable, but families do it all the time an survive and we will too.

WHO AM I MAD AT?!?!

Am I mad at him for the end of our relationship or am I mad at myself ? Am I mad that things ended or that I let myself get into a relationship that didn't cater to my well being? I have taking care my man for 14 years always waiting for my other half to take care of me. I have even told him " Hey I took care of you , you need to take care of me!!!!" and I waited and waited and it never happen. This past year he cheated on me, and his reasoning was he didn't think of ME in the equation. He did it because he felt he could. Only thing was he shitted where he ate!!! The broad knew me and worked with me , bad move. Deep down I knew, all women know when its happening, we would even joke about it. I guess it was both of our way of letting the other know what was going on without saying it. Well she told in an email. And I guess that was the end really I wanted it to work thinking well now we'll try harder, well it didn't work. And it's over but what's what true to my character I'm still taking care of him. Sad. I'm hopping he comes back, who knows, I do love him even if he doesn't love me. Yeah, who I'm I mad at? me..

UP, DOWN, AND SIDEWAYS, BUT REALLY I DON'T KNOW

My so call relationship has had its ups and downs and most recent its been sideways. Sideways in a way that I don't know where we stand with each other. I don't know , I DON'T KNOW I DON' T KNOW. THE SEX IS GOOD BUT THE TIME OUT OF BED IS TENSE. I KNOW I'M GUARDING MY HEART, AND I'M GOING TO KEEP DOING SO BECAUSE EVERY TIME I LET HIM IN HE BREAKING IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN. I DON'T KNOW.

PISSED

WHAT CAN I DO WHEN I'M SO MAD AT HE FOR THROWING AWAY OUR LIFE, MY LIFE?WHAT DO I SAY TO HIM EVERY DAY, EVERY EVENING AND EVERY NIGHT? I FELL ASLEEP IN HIS ARMS AND I LOVE THE WAY HE SMELLS AND NOW ITS ALL GONE. YES I CAN HAVE SOMEONE ELSE BUT ITS SO COM PLACATED. HE SAYS HES NOT SEEING HER AGAIN OR ANYONE ELSE BUT THAT'S A LIE. YOU DON'T GET MIDNIGHT TEXT AND LATER FROM JUST A FRIEND. DAMN ME I LOVE HIM BUT IT HAS TO BE A BETTER WAY BECAUSE I LOVE MYSELF TOO!!!!!!

Illusions

what do you do when the illusion you call your life desolves?i want to scream, cry, pout, and tear up somethings, but then i look at my kids and know all that will only scare them. i look at my soon to be ex boyfriend and wonder why could we make it work? was it me was it him well a lot of it was him and that chick he fuck on the side. i don't think i ever forgive him for that. but it's only been a couple of months since i found out, but he hasn't done anything to makeup for he never even said he was sorry. oh he said he was sorry i found out the way i did but he never said he was sorry for didn't it.now he wants to step back from the relationship and i'm crushed i truly love that man, and i'm still in love with him. so this really hurts like hell.

i wear this set of rings on my ring finger as my show of my commitment to my relationship because he would never marry me. i have waited for 14years for he to make it official but he never did. all i get a week before our anniversary is "i think we need to step back" . what kind of crap is that? i keep looking at my rings wonder when do i take them off or if i should. their my kids birthstones so i'm going so keep wear them.i for the life of me don't know what to do about him, he still want to act like things are fine and we didn't have a conversation about breaking up he still wants to have sex ever time he turns around like its ok to said "hey i don't want to be in a relationship anymore, can you play with my dick?" i mean who says that!?!?!?! and stupid me i play with it. what the hell am i doing? i'm so confused.i don't want to take the big girl pill and let go, but i need too. God give me strength to do what i must do.

three's company

my three musketeers

Photo Friday-EYES